Zombie at the Pool

Following on from the water themed Zombie in the Water (http://bit.ly/zombiescantswim) I wanted to look a little more specifically at Zombie in the Pool which causes a couple of different issues to the blog listed above.

Pools are generally much shallower than rivers or the sea and thus zombies can wade in them. Zombies are generally slow moving and clumsy BUT the zombie's stance (arms raised) may actually help them to balance in the same way that orang-utans  are skilled at wading. You may find you are more hindered than they are.

But in a swimming pool there are rules. No petting, no running and no eating brains.

Here's how to make sure that your bloodthirsty assailant doesn't break rule number 3.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

Sweet zombie killing kit!

I hope you're wearing goggles.Getting blood in your eyes or in the pool is a guaranteed way of making people dead. You need to make sure the pool is evacuated before getting zombie blood in there, if the pool's pH was correct and the chlorine applied correctly it should kill any blood born virus on contact. But let's be honest. Can you trust pool staff in the event of a zombie apocalypse? No, I didn't think so either. Plus, the pH balance will be off if there's been an excess of peeing in the pool.

Methods of destroying a brain in the pool are limited as everything is designed to stop children falling and fracturing their skulls... with one exception.

The Diving Board

Image courtesy of Fever Ray

This is your best bet for brain destruction of a shuffling menace. Lure them to the high-dive board and execute the world's most amazing over the shoulder throw straight onto the floor of the pool below.

Risen from the dead:

With this zombie the same method will work and you don't need to worry about infection! Quids in!

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

It dived straight in the pool and started devouring victims. You have managed to drag yourself far enough away to watch the carnage unfold.You need to act fast. A net or pool scoop may buy others in the vacinity some time to escape - putting the net over the zombies head and dragging it about a bit may help but as they're so strong you're quite likely to end up in the pool yourself.

Pool cover.

If possible what you need is a pool cover to trap the zombie under. If the pool has one of these get them to run it across to make the water the undead's prison. When it is in place you can walk along to the point where the zombie is with something big and heavy such as a fire extinguisher and donk the raised point in the pool cover with considerable force until it is no longer standing (correct fire extinguisher wielding protocol coming soon to the YouTube channel)

No pool cover?

Ah, what you need is a number of floats tied together on a rope (most pools have these to cordon off a slow swimmer and fast swimmer lane) so you can float them around the zombie in a circle and then pull the rope between the pool steps until the head is separated from the body or until the zombie is immobilised by being tied between the two solid points by its neck.





And finally...
Thanks for reading as ever, please click an ad or two to show some appreciation if you think I deserve it. Earned 46p last month so you are clearly earning your keep!

Don't go changing, or I might have to hit you with a shovel
Al

Zombies in the water

Some things to put to bed

Zombies can not swim.

Oh, you've seen it? There's pictures on the internet of a swimming zombie that looks like this

or this

or the same as the second one but riding the shark? Wrong... They're not swimming. They're walking on the sea / lake bed. Zombies do not have the motor skills to swim. He's flailing in water!

If you're in deep water you will be fine unless there's hundreds of zombies in there piled on top of each other like a motorcycle display team trying to reach you. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to tell if that was the case.

In the event that you do sink / capsize though here's some advice on how to take on a zombie underwater.

The physics of fighting underwater

The drag caused by water is 12 times more than wind resistance so you would have to punch at more than 12 times your usual strength to deliver the same impact. Plus, because water cannot be compressed as easily as air (because it has a higher molecular density), the impact zone would probably disperse most of the force of your punch anyway.

The best way to deliver any kind of force is to reduce the resistance. Flat handed movements and delivery using the fingers would be best, but unless you're a Kung Fu master or <- this guy you probably would break all of your fingers and then drown from shouting "Ow" very loudly whilst underwater.


Your most sensible move would be to keep hold of your paddle as you sink and try to use the blade to give the zombie a good blow to the back of the head as you won't have much air to keep whacking at them and you'll get tired quickly. If you have a good quality wooden paddle it shouldn't flex too much and absorb the energy you're putting in. You're hopefully wearing a life jacket so you shouldn't sink anyway.

Getting to safety

Swim to safety preferably through clear water so you can see what's beneath you. If this is not possible you should head for as shallow an area as possible as quickly as possible so you can see any potential threats as they come out of the water and you're in air so you can use your normal zombie ass kicking skills to their full potential.That and you've got a bloody great paddle in your hand!

The right kit

Out in the air a well swung paddle will do a good deal of damage to a zombie's skull. You want the paddle to be solid, thin edged for maximum damage and ideally made of ash for durability (this is what most modern baseball bats are also made from)

A good example would be the Sliver paddle from badgerpaddles.com

Sadly they do not provide paddles suitable for use by badgers though I understand this is quite a niche market.

 

Hopefully you've learned something today. And if that's just that zombies can't swim my work here is done!

Lots of love, but no lovebites, that's how apocalypses start

Al