Über awesome 500 twitter follower special - Zombie in the waiting room

Aww, you poor love, you've got a sniffle. And you've had to go to the doctors to get some antibiotics because you're tired of laying in bed and feeling pathetic and you've used enough tissues to gift wrap Belgium?

What could be worse?

Zombie in the Waiting Room

You're sat amidst a pile of magazines and pamphlets telling you about the variety of illnesses you could have. Each one you read you get a little more poorly. You have convinved yourself you have all the symptoms of radiation sickness ever since you had that petrol station sandwich.

You look up from your pamphlet to see a man stumbling around in the waiting room. Why isn't the nurse helping him? Poor old fella looks like he's really in pain and he's moaning out very aggressively.

Oh no, it's alright, he's undead.

So how can you take on this shuffling assailant in a room equipped to make sure no-one can hurt a member of staff?

Here's how.

1. Magazines and pamphlets are a hazard to you - do not, as you may be tempted to, throw them at the zombie. It will just make you tired and lead to the possibility you'll slip on one, fall on the floor and be eaten alive.

2. Vases are a good weapon - if you are lucky enough to be in a waiting room with a vase you should smash the end off it and use it as a weapon. Make sure not to hit it too hard or it will shatter into tiny pieces and cut you to ribbons.

3. Magazine racks or tables are a good defensive weapon. Pick one up but DO NOT throw it. Use it as a riot shield to subdue the zombie attack - hopefully someone behind will have the common sense to hit it over the head with something heavy!

4. Fire extinguishers are a fantastic zombie weapon but you have to be strong to use them - they weigh much more than you think! Do not half-arsedly flail a fire extinguisher at a zombie's head - they will dive on you when you miss them and eat your brain.

In the Doctor's Bag

If you can get to a doctor's room do so. They have a variety of weapons including the stunningly named ocular cannula - that's a tube you can insert into someone's eye. This will disorient your zombie somewhat but watch your fingers!

Do not inject your zombie with anything, it will have no effect. No bloodflow means no distribution of drugs! The only place you could inject is directly into the cerebellum which is the operating part of the zombie brain - you would be best to go in through the ear for least skull resistance. Consider muscle relaxants (spasmolytics) such as carisoprodol, cyclobenzaprine, metaxalone, and methocarbamol.

These may restrict the brain signals being sent to the limbs and paralysing your assailant. Be aware however that this may have little noticeable effect - better to stab the brain and hope for the best.

There is the old favourite the scalpel but beware - if this is a blood transmitted virus you will get infected if you cut yourself or spray blood on you, you should always use a medical mask and goggles.

There's also pure oxygen cylinders. Do try and blow yourself up only as a last resort.

Thanks to my 500 followers on Twitter, you are amazing people. I didn't realise how much of a community would come here and read my ramblings.

I'd take you all out in a heartbeat if you turn of course, but for now you're not on the 'meat list'

Thanks for reading,

Al

Update 2! Zombies at a Broadway Show

ZSP Update 2

See a show - Kill some goons

You're watching the hit musical The Producers when suddenly out from the wings shuffles a meat-hungry marauder. 


An auditorium full of shocked onlookers first wonder if this is part of the act and then having watched this rotting corpse devour the two main characters then decide this may not be in the script and start to panic. You lucky readers will be ahead of the game. You may think to yourself 

"So - the dead are going to the theatre now; ah well - it all helps the box office."

However, if you don't want to be wormfood check out the scenarios below.



Higher function destroying blood Infection:

This thing is slow and lumbering; you've got a little time as it falls off the stage and works its way through the front row. In a theatre little is not nailed down - pretty much your only choice is of course: the fire extinguisher. You do however have the issue of when smashing its brains in that you will be covered in all kinds of highly infectious gore. To stop this you should either: a. Try and hold a programme over your face while smashing away (fairly impossible) or b. Take off your jacket (because of course you dressed up to go out didn't you?) wrap it around your face and start smashing away.

Important note for those without glasses.
You may be aware that people who wear non-prescription glasses are sometimes referred to as pretentious pricks - I'm afraid in this scenario they are referred to as 'Survivors'. This is the one justifiable situation to be wearing fake glasses with lenses.

Risen from the dead:
With this scenario no need for the blood protection - just get that extinguisher and start some squelchy brain cracky fun fun fun!


Rage infected or fast moving zombie:

It's tearing through people like a knife through kittens - you need to be somewhere else and quickly - everyone else is running for the fire exit - you are smart - use the stairs to the balcony - wait for everyone else to be eaten and the zombies to get bored and wander off. This may take some time so you'd best hope that them upstairs weren't hungry and polished off all of their snacks - if the zombie does decide upstairs is the trendy place to be you should be prepared to launch it off the balcony with a quick jerking upward motion trying to aim its head at the floor on landing. It might work, as previously explained however combating rage is 100% luck and 1% stupidity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for clicking the ads and mostly thanks for making suggestions!

See you next week!