Zombie Slaying Transportation

A question from @77fayzer - 

"I present you a challenge. Find the best type of transport for a zombie invasion and also find the best car for a zomb take over."

Mission accepted.

I've tried to break this down by country and used my top 3 viewer's countries - US & Canada, United Kingdom, New Zealand - if you're not included I apologise. Send me a specific country request and I'll add another post when I get time. There's also a summary too - it explains my stance on 'The Perfect Transport' in no uncertain terms.

In the United States and Canada

  

Knight XV

Pros:

This is a very customisable vehicle and has a number of amazing factory standards including bullet proof glass throughout, night vision cameras, run flat tyres and an optional additional fuel tank and turbo charger. 

Cons:

7 mpg.

Website:

http://conquestvehicles.com/knight-xv.html

Tornado intercept vehicle (TIV) 

Pros:

Fully customisable but requires technical expertise.

You are responsible for your own build quality and thus likelihood of survival.

Cons:

You have to build it yourself. This is not an off the line product.

Due to weight MPG is likely to be terrible.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tornado_Intercept_Vehicle

DeLorean Monster Truck

This is the D-Rex. It is a design created by Rich W. who has created a whole range of DeLorean based vehicles. The gull wing doors and high ride height as well as hard wearing monster truck tires would really help killing zombies.

Pros:

Ride height

Gull wing doors for quick entry / exit and an ability to kill from above.

You can pretend to be Marty McFly's long lost brother.

Cons:

Unlikely to do more than 8mpg is my best guess. I've e-mailed Rich for clarification!

Some people may think you're insane and try to shoot at you.

Not bulletproof.

Pretty sure only 1 of these exists so you'd have to build your own or call in Rich.

Website:

http://www.entermyworld.com/rich/index1.html (it's in the 4x4 section)

Ford F-650

This looks like the stuff. US police meets zombie killer. Well armoured, powerful and plenty of fuel down each side!

Pros:

Looks awesome.

Well armoured.

Plenty of fuel on board.

Cons:

Quickly tears through fuel due to additional weight.

Not much in the way of zombie killing options as standard.

Not to factory standard. Has to be custom modded.

http://jalopnik.com/5153075/new-scope-ford-f+650-xuv

In the UK

Land Rover Defender 110

A classic off road choice with some pretty hardcore beefing up. Armor plating throughout. Plenty of storage on top and inside.

Pros:

Armor plated if you buy ex-army.

Fairly good mpg.

Can drive pretty much anywhere.

Cons:

Very few.

Website:

Some particularly nice examples at

http://www.ukemergency.co.uk/police/

In New Zealand

Subaru Impreza WRX

Goes fast and is 4 wheel drive. Room for weapons and people.

Pros:

Good off road.

Better MPG than a ute.

Cons:

Not much storage space for all of your survival supplies.

Subaru Forester XT

Plenty of space and works off road.

Pros:

Good off road.

Plenty of storage.

Cons:

Not bulletproof as standard.

Not very fuel efficient.

Website:

http://www.subaru.co.nz

Things you want in your cars 

A last bit of advice. Have a variety of vehicles in your convoy. There is not a best car for the zombie apocalypse; you need a whole fleet. You will probably not get exactly what you want lying around in the street. You'll need to learn how to use welding gear and get hold of some metal!

Some things you may look for in your transport:

Recon missions

Fast and controllable.

Logistics

Big and as fuel efficient as possible. 

Sweep and clean missions

Armor plated, big engined.

If you think I've missed something, or you think I'm wrong please contact me on Twitter, Facebook or leave a comment on the blog.

Thanks for reading and clicking the ads,

Al

Über awesome 500 twitter follower special - Zombie in the waiting room

Aww, you poor love, you've got a sniffle. And you've had to go to the doctors to get some antibiotics because you're tired of laying in bed and feeling pathetic and you've used enough tissues to gift wrap Belgium?

What could be worse?

Zombie in the Waiting Room

You're sat amidst a pile of magazines and pamphlets telling you about the variety of illnesses you could have. Each one you read you get a little more poorly. You have convinved yourself you have all the symptoms of radiation sickness ever since you had that petrol station sandwich.

You look up from your pamphlet to see a man stumbling around in the waiting room. Why isn't the nurse helping him? Poor old fella looks like he's really in pain and he's moaning out very aggressively.

Oh no, it's alright, he's undead.

So how can you take on this shuffling assailant in a room equipped to make sure no-one can hurt a member of staff?

Here's how.

1. Magazines and pamphlets are a hazard to you - do not, as you may be tempted to, throw them at the zombie. It will just make you tired and lead to the possibility you'll slip on one, fall on the floor and be eaten alive.

2. Vases are a good weapon - if you are lucky enough to be in a waiting room with a vase you should smash the end off it and use it as a weapon. Make sure not to hit it too hard or it will shatter into tiny pieces and cut you to ribbons.

3. Magazine racks or tables are a good defensive weapon. Pick one up but DO NOT throw it. Use it as a riot shield to subdue the zombie attack - hopefully someone behind will have the common sense to hit it over the head with something heavy!

4. Fire extinguishers are a fantastic zombie weapon but you have to be strong to use them - they weigh much more than you think! Do not half-arsedly flail a fire extinguisher at a zombie's head - they will dive on you when you miss them and eat your brain.

In the Doctor's Bag

If you can get to a doctor's room do so. They have a variety of weapons including the stunningly named ocular cannula - that's a tube you can insert into someone's eye. This will disorient your zombie somewhat but watch your fingers!

Do not inject your zombie with anything, it will have no effect. No bloodflow means no distribution of drugs! The only place you could inject is directly into the cerebellum which is the operating part of the zombie brain - you would be best to go in through the ear for least skull resistance. Consider muscle relaxants (spasmolytics) such as carisoprodol, cyclobenzaprine, metaxalone, and methocarbamol.

These may restrict the brain signals being sent to the limbs and paralysing your assailant. Be aware however that this may have little noticeable effect - better to stab the brain and hope for the best.

There is the old favourite the scalpel but beware - if this is a blood transmitted virus you will get infected if you cut yourself or spray blood on you, you should always use a medical mask and goggles.

There's also pure oxygen cylinders. Do try and blow yourself up only as a last resort.

Thanks to my 500 followers on Twitter, you are amazing people. I didn't realise how much of a community would come here and read my ramblings.

I'd take you all out in a heartbeat if you turn of course, but for now you're not on the 'meat list'

Thanks for reading,

Al

Super Special Update: Zombie on Platform 2

You're at the station. Litter twirls gently in the breeze. There's a man slumped down in the corner, he looks like a drunk. There is a pungent odor emanating from him. He smells a bit like rancid meat.

Definitely drunk - he's making that unmistakable groaning. That's it he must be drunk; not undead. That just doesn't happen does it? I mean really, who'd even consider....

Oh, he's getting up. And he's got his lower jaw slung with bloody saliva and a look of determined hunger in his eyes. You on the other hand are calm and collected. You're ready and I'm going to tell you for why.

Not the correct method - just an awesome image!

Zombies are only scary if you're unprepared. But you, my dear reader, have been waiting for this. Since the first time you read the blog you've been waiting to put the zombie toss into action. This, right here, is your time to shine!

You've played Dead Rising and it's as easy as moving a stick. In the real world it's a teeny bit more complicated.

Here's a blow by blow account of how to launch that dead head onto the tracks while not turning yourself into wormfood.

Step 1:

Make sure you can see the zombie at all times. An invisible threat is the worst threat of all.

Step 2:

Make space between you and the edge of the platform - you don't want to plummet to your death.

Step 3:

Wait for the zombie to lunge at you before making your move. You will use his own weight and strength against him, how else are you going to throw someone who weighs more than you?

Step 4:

As he lunges roll with it. You need to make sure none of that energy is wasted if you want to throw him clear of you. If you waste it he's going to end up on top of you eating your brains.

Step 5:

Grip at the wrist and collar pushing back the free arm with your elbow. This will control the zombie and stop them grabbing and biting you.

Step 6:

Swing your elbow to under the other armpit as you turn away from the zombie and squat slightly. This squatting motion should bring the zombie around your body and take them off their feet.

Step 7:

Pull the wrist across your body and this will drop the zombie to the floor. You should be aiming to lob them onto the tracks below.

Step 8:

If you missed the tracks get the boot in and go for a roll, just be careful of being grabbed!


Finally:
Thank you so much to all 200 of my Twitter followers, you are truly great and your interest in this blog will stand you in good stead when the time comes to counteract the zombie menace.

Thanks for telling your friends and clicking the ads so I can buy books (Zombies for Zombies by David P. Murphy) and DVDs (Dead Snow £2.99) to serve you better.

Remember though, if you're bit, you mean nothing to me.

Keep watching the graveyards,
Al

Zombie in the Children's playground

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.


Things you may find to be of use:

• Broken umbrellas.
• Syringes.
• Broken glass.
• Dog poo.
• Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

Thanks for clicking the ads. Made 41 pence this month so far! Each one of you that clicks is a beautiful person, maybe not on the outside but definitely on the inside. 

Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Al

Zombies in a hotel

 

You're on holiday, or away for a dirty weekend - either way you're having a whale of a time. Let's be honest - it's a dirty weekend.

You don't have a care in the world as your bewitching other half looks at you with those 'come to bed' eyes. Alas, behind her is a gurgling package of maurauding murderation. That's right - it's Joe Dead.

How he got into your hotel room is unclear, but maybe you left the door slightly ajar as you tossed your beloved onto the drinks cart that you acquired last night at your most intoxicated.

You're still a little groggy now after the 3 bottles of champagne so it's lucky you've read this before hand - it'll be there in the memory bank so you don't have to think too hard for a solution of your own.

Higher function destroying blood infected zombie

Are you wearing any clothes? No, I thought not. You're quite exposed to zombie attack and blood spatter. You need something to cover yourself. 

• The bed sheet?  
  Might work but a bit cumbersome.
• Getting dressed?
  You don't have time, there's a zombie IN THE ROOM.
• A lamp shade?
  Are you serious?
• A towel? Better, but no suggestive towel dropping where zombies are concerned.
• The food tray?
  Of course! It's a shield and a weapon, all in one!

Take the tray and hold it out in front of you and launch your naked self at the zombie knocking it to the ground. Cover its face with the tray and repeatedly jump on it. Might not kill it though. If it gets up it's now probably that mashed up it'll be unable to see. Get behind it and go for the travel iron you got out last night. A whack to the back of the head and voila!

Risen from the dead

You went to a hotel with a graveyard next door. Really? Poor planning. You're clearly very cheap. It's unlikely to be champagne in the room, maybe special brew at a push. You don't iron your clothes either so the travel iron's out of the equation. You need something heavy that will destroy the brain. 

Your suitcase is a bit too cumbersome so that's out. There's probably a lamp in the room though; pick it up - if it's screwed down a good yank should see it come clear. Hit the zombie square in the head with the heavy end. If the heavy end also happens to be the end with the current going through it make sure you ripped the wire out of the wall too or at the very least that you stay clear of any flailing limbs, you don't want to be found naked, covered in blood and layed in a pool of zombie brains do you?

Rage infected / fast moving

If it is a zombie Justin Bieber... all the better.

Maybe the door was closed and it smashed it in; possible with these raging beasties. Your best bet might be to head for the balcony if you're not on the ground floor and use the old clean and jerk zombie toss. Then again you have a wealth of weapons at your disposal. 

Don't bother reaching for the bible in the bedside drawer, the power of Christ tends not to compel all that many zombies - they just eat you and you get blood all over a perfectly serviceable bible. You do have at your disposal the champagne bottles from last nights debauchery. They're heavy and quite hard to break so a good thwack to the noggin ought to do the business. 

Remember - aim for the back of the head where the neck meets the skull (the cerebellum) - that's the sweet spot. You will need the zombie facing away from you so it's worth you staying quiet and letting your beloved do all the screaming - it may make you look like a wuss but when you need bait you need bait. Plus when you save your loved-one's life they'll pretty much have to worship you.

Thanks for reading, über thanks for clicking the ads, you may one day put my children through university, but mostly thanks for making writing this a fun and interesting experience. My involvement in the zombie survivalist community has increased massively since writing this blog and you, my intrepid readers, are what make it all worthwhile.

If you start to shuffle though you'll be dropped before you can say "Brains".

Alex

Update 2! Zombies at a Broadway Show

ZSP Update 2

See a show - Kill some goons

You're watching the hit musical The Producers when suddenly out from the wings shuffles a meat-hungry marauder. 


An auditorium full of shocked onlookers first wonder if this is part of the act and then having watched this rotting corpse devour the two main characters then decide this may not be in the script and start to panic. You lucky readers will be ahead of the game. You may think to yourself 

"So - the dead are going to the theatre now; ah well - it all helps the box office."

However, if you don't want to be wormfood check out the scenarios below.



Higher function destroying blood Infection:

This thing is slow and lumbering; you've got a little time as it falls off the stage and works its way through the front row. In a theatre little is not nailed down - pretty much your only choice is of course: the fire extinguisher. You do however have the issue of when smashing its brains in that you will be covered in all kinds of highly infectious gore. To stop this you should either: a. Try and hold a programme over your face while smashing away (fairly impossible) or b. Take off your jacket (because of course you dressed up to go out didn't you?) wrap it around your face and start smashing away.

Important note for those without glasses.
You may be aware that people who wear non-prescription glasses are sometimes referred to as pretentious pricks - I'm afraid in this scenario they are referred to as 'Survivors'. This is the one justifiable situation to be wearing fake glasses with lenses.

Risen from the dead:
With this scenario no need for the blood protection - just get that extinguisher and start some squelchy brain cracky fun fun fun!


Rage infected or fast moving zombie:

It's tearing through people like a knife through kittens - you need to be somewhere else and quickly - everyone else is running for the fire exit - you are smart - use the stairs to the balcony - wait for everyone else to be eaten and the zombies to get bored and wander off. This may take some time so you'd best hope that them upstairs weren't hungry and polished off all of their snacks - if the zombie does decide upstairs is the trendy place to be you should be prepared to launch it off the balcony with a quick jerking upward motion trying to aim its head at the floor on landing. It might work, as previously explained however combating rage is 100% luck and 1% stupidity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for clicking the ads and mostly thanks for making suggestions!

See you next week!

From now on: One a week, one a week, two this week! Zombie in the Garden

Sorry Shaun... No... I'm sorry, Shaun.



Having been potentially one of the world's slackest bloggers; this week I'm back with a flesh ripping vengeance. To make up for the lack of updates in... ages slightly less devastating for you I'm giving you a bonus update for free and gratis!



On a personal note I have had some good news recently which will appear in this blog in the fullness of time.

Zombies

Well, that's why we're here after all isn't it?

Two new zombie scenarios for you.

 1: Zombie in the garden.

A Shaun of the Dead inspired scenario for you - a zombie is wandering around in the back garden, it looks very... drunk.

What can you do to protect yourself from this hellbeast and dispatch it swiftly? Not vinyl records or mug trees; they're fairly ineffective.



You have 2 options:
Option A: TO THE SHED!
Can you leg it past the gurgling menace and get into the shed and find a weapon fairly sharpish? Depends on how big your garden is and if you have a means of temporarily restraining the zombie (methods could include running quickly around it with the washing line Scooby-Doo style, holding up a bed sheet and walking slowly pretending to be laundry or just groaning and limping (CAUTION: This might not work if the zombies have a keen sense of smell; this is very difficult to determine unless you have any 'volunteers'))




Option B: To the arsenal.
Of course, being a keen zombie-survivalist you have already prepared the arsenal listed on my Amazon store for just this kind of eventuality. With this little lot you can either hole yourself up and wait for the whole thing to blow over of go charging into the garden all tooled up and polish off the threat forthwith using one of the following methods:


Higher function destroying blood Infection:
Put on your mask, goggles and potentially the hazmat suit if you have time before the zombie gets in. My method for this one would be sneak up if possible and use the nail gun at the top of the spine base of the neck; should kill or at least stop use of the body. Plus the nail gun has a fairly quiet fire so there's little chance you'll alert any nearby fiends. Just to be doubly sure make sure to double tap (also; for extra tips you should watch Zombieland if you haven't already).

 
Risen from the dead:

As previously discussed - you don't have to worry so much about blood infection; it's just dying (or sometimes being bitten) that causes a problem. With this method you just need to destroy the base of the brain or the brain stem. Baseball bat or spade will do the job if you're strong; if not go with the axe and separate the neck and the head.


Rage Infected / Fast moving zombies:

If it's still in the garden you're probably not looking at a rage infected spook. They tend to come flying through windows all teeth and tearing. If one is wandering around in the garden it probably has lost all of its senses by having its eyes, ears, nose or all of the above destroyed. You probably still don't want to get too close so it may be advisable to pull back the safety on the nail gun and go hurtling a nail across the garden into its brain - careful though: I hear the hospitals are a little busy right now and you probably don't want to have to go there; the meal might be on you.


Thanks for reading; thanks to those of you that keep clicking the ads - the more material I get the better so please keep the ideas coming in... Update 2 with the second zombie scenario coming in the next 30 minutes!