Zombie in the Children's playground

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.


Things you may find to be of use:

• Broken umbrellas.
• Syringes.
• Broken glass.
• Dog poo.
• Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

Thanks for clicking the ads. Made 41 pence this month so far! Each one of you that clicks is a beautiful person, maybe not on the outside but definitely on the inside. 

Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Al

Zombie in the grave yard.

I'll set the scene. You've just buried dear old auntie Doris, she was a lovely old dear, had a good innings but it was still a shock. You go and lay flowers at her freshly filled grave when suddenly a hand pops through the not yet compacted soil and begins to claw itself out.

 

"My goodness, there has been a terrible mistake and aunt Dot has been buried alive; quick I must find help to get her unearthed!"

STOP.

NO. I MEAN IT... STOP RIGHT NOW.

Embalming makes sure that lovely old Dottie is now most certainly no longer in the world of the living. What you have here is most certainly a severe case of the undead.

Rather than helping expedite aunt Dot on her mission to eat your brains you should take the following action.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

You need to be swift - you've not got time to make sure that there's not a shred of the auntie who once bounced you on her knee and cooed - this is a flesh hungry fiend. You need something heavy and large - on the brightside YOU'RE IN A BLINKING GRAVE YARD. There's nothing but gravestones around you. Pick up one that is nice and flat and placing it above Dot's cranium LET GO. The blood should splat out all over your shoes but not get into your eyes or anything else that might infect you. Make sure not to drop it on your toes though - that would be silly.

Risen from the dead:

You can go for the same method as virus zombie above or if you never really liked auntie Dot all that much you could have a little fun. There's normally a gardener at cemeteries. They keep their tools locked in a nearby shed (yes, you can see where I'm going with this one can't you.) For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings creator Peter Jackson's Braindead you will remember a lovely scene involving a large number of zombies, a lawnmower and a rather copious amount of blood. Break down the door, fire up the mower and start whacking some deadhead weeds!

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

She didn't so much claw out of the ground so much as burst from it, possibly ripping off her own legs to speed up the process - bright side; that may slow her down... slightly. But her hips were pretty bad already and she's got used to it so it may not be much of a help. What you need to do here is give yourself a little breathing space. Run. If possible up a slight incline - aunt Dot may struggle a little up hill with no legs. You could try the tombstone trick again but you need to be a little better at timing the drop than you would with the previous two scenarios or as a last resort you could try and grab her now rather ragged final outfit and snag her up onto a nearby spiked railing - ideally through the brain - beware though she's likely to be all nails and teeth.

Thanks for continuing to read my drivel and giving me the drive to produce it - you're all wonderful wonderful human beings.

But if you turn I won't think twice
:)