As promised: Zombies in the petrol station

Hello all, hope you're well and that the scratching sound outside is the cat trying to get in and not the undead hordes trying to chow down on your grey matter.

This update, which has been unpublished for almost 2 years is designed to get you through a zombie attack in a petrol (or gas for those of you reading elsewhere in the world) station.

Look around you. Don't you feel safer already. There's food there that may last for years and years and enough cigarettes to keep you in lung cancer for a lifetime.

What's that you say? You're sat on top of a huge reserve of a highly flammable substance at a time when the whole world's gone to hell in a hand basket?

Oh, yeah, I see your point.

But there are sweets and chocolates in abundance, is that not good enough for you?

You want to escape alive and take the chocolate with you?!

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

Higher function destroying blood infection / Risen from the dead:
Oh yeah. This thing's plodded up to the glass and seen you buying a mars bar and is now gawking at you through the window. Depending on the layout of the shop area you're now going to be confronted with one of two things.

A zombie bumping repeatedly into reinforced bulletproof glass
This is actually potentially the best scenario to buy you a little time. If there's no automatic door or you have a handle that says PULL from the outside you're probably relatively safe… for now. Assuming there's only a small group of the breathingly challenged outside the door you've a fairly good chance of dispatching them without incident. As well as lifelong snacks you most likely have some vehicular supplies within your grasp.

Tire iron / fire extinguisher:

Reach for the old favourite the tire iron or failing that the fire extinguisher most petrol stations have on site. You will potentially need to force the door open with some effort to give yourself room to get out of the shop and give yourself room to manoeuvre.

When you get outside DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO LIGHT ANYTHING ON FIRE. It doesn't end well as can be seen here.

I know a lot of people say this but here it is particularly important. You are just going to end up with everything on fire and ultimately an explosion will happen. Get as much gas into the best vehicle on the forecourt you can and drive away as safely as you can - don't get nailed at the intersection leaving the forecourt because the adrenalin's pumping.

If you're in scenario two and there's automatic doors that Joe Dead has just wandered through and is now ambling down the aisle toward you then there's a bit more of a problem. Knocking over a display stand may buy you some time to get to the tire irons if they're behind you but what if they're behind the zombie near the door. Chances are, they will be because people want to grab stuff like that on their way to the counter. What you do have at your disposal may be a cash register or a baseball bat if you can lean over the counter. If the clerk's still at his post and not pissing his pants it may be polite to ask rather than just reaching over and grabbing the weapon in question. That and he may not take kindly to being lunged at when there's a zombie in front of him already.

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

In this scenario fire may help the human race but you're pretty screwed. Lighting the whole place up may be the noble thing to do.

If on the other hand you're a coward and would like to save your skin and not die in a blaze of glory that no one will ever know of here's your tiny ray of shining hope and it comes from a fairly unexpected source.

Grab something solid with a point from nearby. Your best bet might be a pen knife or a safety glass breaking tool if one is available. If not get the heaviest metal object you can such as something tinned. Smash the front of the microwave you generally get in most convenience stores and point it at your assailant. You never know, you might get the time to cook the fool before he gets to you and if not you can throw it over his head and hit start providing distraction while he gets 800W to the brain.

They do say that microwave food in service stations can kill you right?

Thanks for reading and apologies for the length of time this took to publish. Hoping it was worth the wait.

Did I forget to hit post? Ooops! UPDATES

Well, it's been a LONG time.

Updates: 
Had a daugther, now 2. Very cute.

Got a job. Entertaining but always busy.

Lost 5 stone in weight (Alternate Day Fasting)

Zombies? Still nowhere to be seen.


Apologies on the lack of updates in spite of the promise to publish them. Between work and life commitments the blog has been rather overlooked.

The good news is that I've got a new idea. I'm writing a book and getting a whole splurge of writing done all in one go rather than the dribs and drabs I've been getting on here.

When it's all finished I hope to have a version available to download on Kindle and/or iBooks.

Unsurprisingly it's about zombies and you will see a very similar writing style to that used here on ZSP.

There'll be prerelease copies sent out to those of you who were here from the start and I look forward to your feedback.

At the moment though, must type on.

See you on the flip side, and you never know, as the ideas flow more blog posts may pop up.

Much love,
Alex

After a long period of radio silence

I'm back after a few life modifications.

"What's changed?!" I hear you cry.

1. I have a daughter named Eleanor. She is now 3 months old and is being trained in the ways of zombie slaying already.

2. I have a new job which is awesome and satisfying and is much further away from home not providing me quite as much time to work on the blog. Don't worry though, as always I've come up with a plan to fix that and keep you guys safe against the dangers of the undead.

The next post will be titled "Zombie at the Petrol station" and should be online Monday 16th April.

I'll keep you posted!
Al

Zombie at the Pool

Following on from the water themed Zombie in the Water (http://bit.ly/zombiescantswim) I wanted to look a little more specifically at Zombie in the Pool which causes a couple of different issues to the blog listed above.

Pools are generally much shallower than rivers or the sea and thus zombies can wade in them. Zombies are generally slow moving and clumsy BUT the zombie's stance (arms raised) may actually help them to balance in the same way that orang-utans  are skilled at wading. You may find you are more hindered than they are.

But in a swimming pool there are rules. No petting, no running and no eating brains.

Here's how to make sure that your bloodthirsty assailant doesn't break rule number 3.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

Sweet zombie killing kit!

I hope you're wearing goggles.Getting blood in your eyes or in the pool is a guaranteed way of making people dead. You need to make sure the pool is evacuated before getting zombie blood in there, if the pool's pH was correct and the chlorine applied correctly it should kill any blood born virus on contact. But let's be honest. Can you trust pool staff in the event of a zombie apocalypse? No, I didn't think so either. Plus, the pH balance will be off if there's been an excess of peeing in the pool.

Methods of destroying a brain in the pool are limited as everything is designed to stop children falling and fracturing their skulls... with one exception.

The Diving Board

Image courtesy of Fever Ray

This is your best bet for brain destruction of a shuffling menace. Lure them to the high-dive board and execute the world's most amazing over the shoulder throw straight onto the floor of the pool below.

Risen from the dead:

With this zombie the same method will work and you don't need to worry about infection! Quids in!

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

It dived straight in the pool and started devouring victims. You have managed to drag yourself far enough away to watch the carnage unfold.You need to act fast. A net or pool scoop may buy others in the vacinity some time to escape - putting the net over the zombies head and dragging it about a bit may help but as they're so strong you're quite likely to end up in the pool yourself.

Pool cover.

If possible what you need is a pool cover to trap the zombie under. If the pool has one of these get them to run it across to make the water the undead's prison. When it is in place you can walk along to the point where the zombie is with something big and heavy such as a fire extinguisher and donk the raised point in the pool cover with considerable force until it is no longer standing (correct fire extinguisher wielding protocol coming soon to the YouTube channel)

No pool cover?

Ah, what you need is a number of floats tied together on a rope (most pools have these to cordon off a slow swimmer and fast swimmer lane) so you can float them around the zombie in a circle and then pull the rope between the pool steps until the head is separated from the body or until the zombie is immobilised by being tied between the two solid points by its neck.





And finally...
Thanks for reading as ever, please click an ad or two to show some appreciation if you think I deserve it. Earned 46p last month so you are clearly earning your keep!

Don't go changing, or I might have to hit you with a shovel
Al

Zombie Slaying Transportation

A question from @77fayzer - 

"I present you a challenge. Find the best type of transport for a zombie invasion and also find the best car for a zomb take over."

Mission accepted.

I've tried to break this down by country and used my top 3 viewer's countries - US & Canada, United Kingdom, New Zealand - if you're not included I apologise. Send me a specific country request and I'll add another post when I get time. There's also a summary too - it explains my stance on 'The Perfect Transport' in no uncertain terms.

In the United States and Canada

  

Knight XV

Pros:

This is a very customisable vehicle and has a number of amazing factory standards including bullet proof glass throughout, night vision cameras, run flat tyres and an optional additional fuel tank and turbo charger. 

Cons:

7 mpg.

Website:

http://conquestvehicles.com/knight-xv.html

Tornado intercept vehicle (TIV) 

Pros:

Fully customisable but requires technical expertise.

You are responsible for your own build quality and thus likelihood of survival.

Cons:

You have to build it yourself. This is not an off the line product.

Due to weight MPG is likely to be terrible.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tornado_Intercept_Vehicle

DeLorean Monster Truck

This is the D-Rex. It is a design created by Rich W. who has created a whole range of DeLorean based vehicles. The gull wing doors and high ride height as well as hard wearing monster truck tires would really help killing zombies.

Pros:

Ride height

Gull wing doors for quick entry / exit and an ability to kill from above.

You can pretend to be Marty McFly's long lost brother.

Cons:

Unlikely to do more than 8mpg is my best guess. I've e-mailed Rich for clarification!

Some people may think you're insane and try to shoot at you.

Not bulletproof.

Pretty sure only 1 of these exists so you'd have to build your own or call in Rich.

Website:

http://www.entermyworld.com/rich/index1.html (it's in the 4x4 section)

Ford F-650

This looks like the stuff. US police meets zombie killer. Well armoured, powerful and plenty of fuel down each side!

Pros:

Looks awesome.

Well armoured.

Plenty of fuel on board.

Cons:

Quickly tears through fuel due to additional weight.

Not much in the way of zombie killing options as standard.

Not to factory standard. Has to be custom modded.

http://jalopnik.com/5153075/new-scope-ford-f+650-xuv

In the UK

Land Rover Defender 110

A classic off road choice with some pretty hardcore beefing up. Armor plating throughout. Plenty of storage on top and inside.

Pros:

Armor plated if you buy ex-army.

Fairly good mpg.

Can drive pretty much anywhere.

Cons:

Very few.

Website:

Some particularly nice examples at

http://www.ukemergency.co.uk/police/

In New Zealand

Subaru Impreza WRX

Goes fast and is 4 wheel drive. Room for weapons and people.

Pros:

Good off road.

Better MPG than a ute.

Cons:

Not much storage space for all of your survival supplies.

Subaru Forester XT

Plenty of space and works off road.

Pros:

Good off road.

Plenty of storage.

Cons:

Not bulletproof as standard.

Not very fuel efficient.

Website:

http://www.subaru.co.nz

Things you want in your cars 

A last bit of advice. Have a variety of vehicles in your convoy. There is not a best car for the zombie apocalypse; you need a whole fleet. You will probably not get exactly what you want lying around in the street. You'll need to learn how to use welding gear and get hold of some metal!

Some things you may look for in your transport:

Recon missions

Fast and controllable.

Logistics

Big and as fuel efficient as possible. 

Sweep and clean missions

Armor plated, big engined.

If you think I've missed something, or you think I'm wrong please contact me on Twitter, Facebook or leave a comment on the blog.

Thanks for reading and clicking the ads,

Al

Über awesome 500 twitter follower special - Zombie in the waiting room

Aww, you poor love, you've got a sniffle. And you've had to go to the doctors to get some antibiotics because you're tired of laying in bed and feeling pathetic and you've used enough tissues to gift wrap Belgium?

What could be worse?

Zombie in the Waiting Room

You're sat amidst a pile of magazines and pamphlets telling you about the variety of illnesses you could have. Each one you read you get a little more poorly. You have convinved yourself you have all the symptoms of radiation sickness ever since you had that petrol station sandwich.

You look up from your pamphlet to see a man stumbling around in the waiting room. Why isn't the nurse helping him? Poor old fella looks like he's really in pain and he's moaning out very aggressively.

Oh no, it's alright, he's undead.

So how can you take on this shuffling assailant in a room equipped to make sure no-one can hurt a member of staff?

Here's how.

1. Magazines and pamphlets are a hazard to you - do not, as you may be tempted to, throw them at the zombie. It will just make you tired and lead to the possibility you'll slip on one, fall on the floor and be eaten alive.

2. Vases are a good weapon - if you are lucky enough to be in a waiting room with a vase you should smash the end off it and use it as a weapon. Make sure not to hit it too hard or it will shatter into tiny pieces and cut you to ribbons.

3. Magazine racks or tables are a good defensive weapon. Pick one up but DO NOT throw it. Use it as a riot shield to subdue the zombie attack - hopefully someone behind will have the common sense to hit it over the head with something heavy!

4. Fire extinguishers are a fantastic zombie weapon but you have to be strong to use them - they weigh much more than you think! Do not half-arsedly flail a fire extinguisher at a zombie's head - they will dive on you when you miss them and eat your brain.

In the Doctor's Bag

If you can get to a doctor's room do so. They have a variety of weapons including the stunningly named ocular cannula - that's a tube you can insert into someone's eye. This will disorient your zombie somewhat but watch your fingers!

Do not inject your zombie with anything, it will have no effect. No bloodflow means no distribution of drugs! The only place you could inject is directly into the cerebellum which is the operating part of the zombie brain - you would be best to go in through the ear for least skull resistance. Consider muscle relaxants (spasmolytics) such as carisoprodol, cyclobenzaprine, metaxalone, and methocarbamol.

These may restrict the brain signals being sent to the limbs and paralysing your assailant. Be aware however that this may have little noticeable effect - better to stab the brain and hope for the best.

There is the old favourite the scalpel but beware - if this is a blood transmitted virus you will get infected if you cut yourself or spray blood on you, you should always use a medical mask and goggles.

There's also pure oxygen cylinders. Do try and blow yourself up only as a last resort.

Thanks to my 500 followers on Twitter, you are amazing people. I didn't realise how much of a community would come here and read my ramblings.

I'd take you all out in a heartbeat if you turn of course, but for now you're not on the 'meat list'

Thanks for reading,

Al

Zombies in the water

Some things to put to bed

Zombies can not swim.

Oh, you've seen it? There's pictures on the internet of a swimming zombie that looks like this

or this

or the same as the second one but riding the shark? Wrong... They're not swimming. They're walking on the sea / lake bed. Zombies do not have the motor skills to swim. He's flailing in water!

If you're in deep water you will be fine unless there's hundreds of zombies in there piled on top of each other like a motorcycle display team trying to reach you. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to tell if that was the case.

In the event that you do sink / capsize though here's some advice on how to take on a zombie underwater.

The physics of fighting underwater

The drag caused by water is 12 times more than wind resistance so you would have to punch at more than 12 times your usual strength to deliver the same impact. Plus, because water cannot be compressed as easily as air (because it has a higher molecular density), the impact zone would probably disperse most of the force of your punch anyway.

The best way to deliver any kind of force is to reduce the resistance. Flat handed movements and delivery using the fingers would be best, but unless you're a Kung Fu master or <- this guy you probably would break all of your fingers and then drown from shouting "Ow" very loudly whilst underwater.


Your most sensible move would be to keep hold of your paddle as you sink and try to use the blade to give the zombie a good blow to the back of the head as you won't have much air to keep whacking at them and you'll get tired quickly. If you have a good quality wooden paddle it shouldn't flex too much and absorb the energy you're putting in. You're hopefully wearing a life jacket so you shouldn't sink anyway.

Getting to safety

Swim to safety preferably through clear water so you can see what's beneath you. If this is not possible you should head for as shallow an area as possible as quickly as possible so you can see any potential threats as they come out of the water and you're in air so you can use your normal zombie ass kicking skills to their full potential.That and you've got a bloody great paddle in your hand!

The right kit

Out in the air a well swung paddle will do a good deal of damage to a zombie's skull. You want the paddle to be solid, thin edged for maximum damage and ideally made of ash for durability (this is what most modern baseball bats are also made from)

A good example would be the Sliver paddle from badgerpaddles.com

Sadly they do not provide paddles suitable for use by badgers though I understand this is quite a niche market.

 

Hopefully you've learned something today. And if that's just that zombies can't swim my work here is done!

Lots of love, but no lovebites, that's how apocalypses start

Al