Bieber Fever Zombie Robot Virus

Here's a suggestion from @Lloydapher and evolved by @StaceyPineapple and @RobynToRaven and seconded and passed by @NicholasTWP.

How Justin Bieber may destroy the world.

This is the story of how Justin Bieber accidentally created a horde of zombie cyborgs who could take over the world.

Born in Canada, Bieber was discovered on YouTube. It is because of this that Master Bieber became so very upset when he discovered his song 'Baby' was the most disliked video on YouTube.

Recently Rebecca Black overtook him this year with over 3 million dislikes.

This was no accident.

How the Outbreak Began

Since becoming the most hated video on YouTube Bieber has invested his fortune in developing a robot that is capable of reproducing human speech and actions. This megalomaniacal self obsession also explains the titling of his album 'My World' and the number of songs he has written about world domination. (That Should Be ME, Never going to let you go)

So as you may have deduced, Rebecca Black is a cyborg.

It explains a lot doesn't it. The disconnection from reality. The auto-tuned voice. It all makes sense.

But what would we do if Bieber lost control of his robotic minion and she began 'converting' others to make her own cyborg army of the undead? I think she'd start with Bieber himself for making her that way.

This is an artists impression of what Bieber would look like after 'conversion'

Normal Zombie rules do not apply

Where cyborgs are concerned removing the head may have little to no impact. Depending on how much tissue to robot integration has occurred the body may work completely independently of the head.







Then what is controlling it?
The concept of a cyborg is living tissue controlled by a processor. The processor is the brain of the cyborg and that helps us a lot - and here's why.

Processors require fairly low temperatures to operate and thus it will be placed somewhere near the outside of the body. It is also likely to have a heatsync or liquid cooling to keep it cool in the same way as modern computers cool their processors.

This is good for us as it means bashing the squish outer coating of a 'converted' will mean we can identify the location of the processor or sever the liquid cooling and cause the processor to overheat.

How do I remove the soft tissue?
The best way of doing this would probably be a sharp weapon such as a samurai sword or a distance weapon such as a grenade. You don't want to get too close though - the cyborg's won't be very worried about destroying their own soft tissue to preserve the CPU so you'll have to be fast and alert.

What else could the government do?
If the outbreak is not caught early the government would be best using an EMP - the only way of doing this currently is via the use of weapons so that may cause a separate mutant zombie epidemic so the best solution is to destroy the threat early on.

Please note - if you go and kill Rebecca Black with a samurai sword this author holds no responsibility - it may just be that she has no talent after all and isn't in fact a robot.

Then again she probably is.
Al

Super Special Update: Zombie on Platform 2

You're at the station. Litter twirls gently in the breeze. There's a man slumped down in the corner, he looks like a drunk. There is a pungent odor emanating from him. He smells a bit like rancid meat.

Definitely drunk - he's making that unmistakable groaning. That's it he must be drunk; not undead. That just doesn't happen does it? I mean really, who'd even consider....

Oh, he's getting up. And he's got his lower jaw slung with bloody saliva and a look of determined hunger in his eyes. You on the other hand are calm and collected. You're ready and I'm going to tell you for why.

Not the correct method - just an awesome image!

Zombies are only scary if you're unprepared. But you, my dear reader, have been waiting for this. Since the first time you read the blog you've been waiting to put the zombie toss into action. This, right here, is your time to shine!

You've played Dead Rising and it's as easy as moving a stick. In the real world it's a teeny bit more complicated.

Here's a blow by blow account of how to launch that dead head onto the tracks while not turning yourself into wormfood.

Step 1:

Make sure you can see the zombie at all times. An invisible threat is the worst threat of all.

Step 2:

Make space between you and the edge of the platform - you don't want to plummet to your death.

Step 3:

Wait for the zombie to lunge at you before making your move. You will use his own weight and strength against him, how else are you going to throw someone who weighs more than you?

Step 4:

As he lunges roll with it. You need to make sure none of that energy is wasted if you want to throw him clear of you. If you waste it he's going to end up on top of you eating your brains.

Step 5:

Grip at the wrist and collar pushing back the free arm with your elbow. This will control the zombie and stop them grabbing and biting you.

Step 6:

Swing your elbow to under the other armpit as you turn away from the zombie and squat slightly. This squatting motion should bring the zombie around your body and take them off their feet.

Step 7:

Pull the wrist across your body and this will drop the zombie to the floor. You should be aiming to lob them onto the tracks below.

Step 8:

If you missed the tracks get the boot in and go for a roll, just be careful of being grabbed!


Finally:
Thank you so much to all 200 of my Twitter followers, you are truly great and your interest in this blog will stand you in good stead when the time comes to counteract the zombie menace.

Thanks for telling your friends and clicking the ads so I can buy books (Zombies for Zombies by David P. Murphy) and DVDs (Dead Snow £2.99) to serve you better.

Remember though, if you're bit, you mean nothing to me.

Keep watching the graveyards,
Al

Zombie in the Children's playground

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.


Things you may find to be of use:

• Broken umbrellas.
• Syringes.
• Broken glass.
• Dog poo.
• Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

Thanks for clicking the ads. Made 41 pence this month so far! Each one of you that clicks is a beautiful person, maybe not on the outside but definitely on the inside. 

Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Al

Zombies in a hotel

 

You're on holiday, or away for a dirty weekend - either way you're having a whale of a time. Let's be honest - it's a dirty weekend.

You don't have a care in the world as your bewitching other half looks at you with those 'come to bed' eyes. Alas, behind her is a gurgling package of maurauding murderation. That's right - it's Joe Dead.

How he got into your hotel room is unclear, but maybe you left the door slightly ajar as you tossed your beloved onto the drinks cart that you acquired last night at your most intoxicated.

You're still a little groggy now after the 3 bottles of champagne so it's lucky you've read this before hand - it'll be there in the memory bank so you don't have to think too hard for a solution of your own.

Higher function destroying blood infected zombie

Are you wearing any clothes? No, I thought not. You're quite exposed to zombie attack and blood spatter. You need something to cover yourself. 

• The bed sheet?  
  Might work but a bit cumbersome.
• Getting dressed?
  You don't have time, there's a zombie IN THE ROOM.
• A lamp shade?
  Are you serious?
• A towel? Better, but no suggestive towel dropping where zombies are concerned.
• The food tray?
  Of course! It's a shield and a weapon, all in one!

Take the tray and hold it out in front of you and launch your naked self at the zombie knocking it to the ground. Cover its face with the tray and repeatedly jump on it. Might not kill it though. If it gets up it's now probably that mashed up it'll be unable to see. Get behind it and go for the travel iron you got out last night. A whack to the back of the head and voila!

Risen from the dead

You went to a hotel with a graveyard next door. Really? Poor planning. You're clearly very cheap. It's unlikely to be champagne in the room, maybe special brew at a push. You don't iron your clothes either so the travel iron's out of the equation. You need something heavy that will destroy the brain. 

Your suitcase is a bit too cumbersome so that's out. There's probably a lamp in the room though; pick it up - if it's screwed down a good yank should see it come clear. Hit the zombie square in the head with the heavy end. If the heavy end also happens to be the end with the current going through it make sure you ripped the wire out of the wall too or at the very least that you stay clear of any flailing limbs, you don't want to be found naked, covered in blood and layed in a pool of zombie brains do you?

Rage infected / fast moving

If it is a zombie Justin Bieber... all the better.

Maybe the door was closed and it smashed it in; possible with these raging beasties. Your best bet might be to head for the balcony if you're not on the ground floor and use the old clean and jerk zombie toss. Then again you have a wealth of weapons at your disposal. 

Don't bother reaching for the bible in the bedside drawer, the power of Christ tends not to compel all that many zombies - they just eat you and you get blood all over a perfectly serviceable bible. You do have at your disposal the champagne bottles from last nights debauchery. They're heavy and quite hard to break so a good thwack to the noggin ought to do the business. 

Remember - aim for the back of the head where the neck meets the skull (the cerebellum) - that's the sweet spot. You will need the zombie facing away from you so it's worth you staying quiet and letting your beloved do all the screaming - it may make you look like a wuss but when you need bait you need bait. Plus when you save your loved-one's life they'll pretty much have to worship you.

Thanks for reading, über thanks for clicking the ads, you may one day put my children through university, but mostly thanks for making writing this a fun and interesting experience. My involvement in the zombie survivalist community has increased massively since writing this blog and you, my intrepid readers, are what make it all worthwhile.

If you start to shuffle though you'll be dropped before you can say "Brains".

Alex

Zombie in the chip shop

You have gone to get yourself a takeaway. Good old fashioned battered fish and chips - or a sausage if you like. And of course you've got to have curry sauce.

I digress.

You have no sooner dispensed the salt and vinegar than a shuffling harbinger of flesh eating terror wanders through the door. What can you possibly do in this situation? I'm glad you asked; I'll tell you.

The scenario for all 3 zombie types is the same in this case; the only difference is the speed at which you must perform the following...

1. Throw salt in the zombies eyes to disrupt its senses slightly

HINT: Remove salt from container first.

It turns out there are no pictures of the flappy thing on the net so instead here is a squirrel.

2. Lift the little flappy door thing rather than trying to launch the zombie over the counter; less chance of you getting injured - nothing worse than having to fight off a zombie horde with a bad back.

3. Place the zombie face down into the boiling oil - be careful not to get scalded though - chance of passing on infection. You need to wait until the heat seeps through to the brain - this takes roughly as long as a fresh fish takes to cook - about 5 minutes.

4. Wait for the writhing to stop.

5. Enjoy your meal; things are about to get ugly.

Thanks for reading; that's 4 updates in the last 3 weeks - managing to do as promised! If you have any suggestions for scenarios you'd like to see resolved please comment or e-mail me - your input is greatly appreciated. Thanks to those of you still clicking on the ads, it really means a lot.

Until next week,

Al

Zombie in the grave yard.

I'll set the scene. You've just buried dear old auntie Doris, she was a lovely old dear, had a good innings but it was still a shock. You go and lay flowers at her freshly filled grave when suddenly a hand pops through the not yet compacted soil and begins to claw itself out.

 

"My goodness, there has been a terrible mistake and aunt Dot has been buried alive; quick I must find help to get her unearthed!"

STOP.

NO. I MEAN IT... STOP RIGHT NOW.

Embalming makes sure that lovely old Dottie is now most certainly no longer in the world of the living. What you have here is most certainly a severe case of the undead.

Rather than helping expedite aunt Dot on her mission to eat your brains you should take the following action.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

You need to be swift - you've not got time to make sure that there's not a shred of the auntie who once bounced you on her knee and cooed - this is a flesh hungry fiend. You need something heavy and large - on the brightside YOU'RE IN A BLINKING GRAVE YARD. There's nothing but gravestones around you. Pick up one that is nice and flat and placing it above Dot's cranium LET GO. The blood should splat out all over your shoes but not get into your eyes or anything else that might infect you. Make sure not to drop it on your toes though - that would be silly.

Risen from the dead:

You can go for the same method as virus zombie above or if you never really liked auntie Dot all that much you could have a little fun. There's normally a gardener at cemeteries. They keep their tools locked in a nearby shed (yes, you can see where I'm going with this one can't you.) For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings creator Peter Jackson's Braindead you will remember a lovely scene involving a large number of zombies, a lawnmower and a rather copious amount of blood. Break down the door, fire up the mower and start whacking some deadhead weeds!

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

She didn't so much claw out of the ground so much as burst from it, possibly ripping off her own legs to speed up the process - bright side; that may slow her down... slightly. But her hips were pretty bad already and she's got used to it so it may not be much of a help. What you need to do here is give yourself a little breathing space. Run. If possible up a slight incline - aunt Dot may struggle a little up hill with no legs. You could try the tombstone trick again but you need to be a little better at timing the drop than you would with the previous two scenarios or as a last resort you could try and grab her now rather ragged final outfit and snag her up onto a nearby spiked railing - ideally through the brain - beware though she's likely to be all nails and teeth.

Thanks for continuing to read my drivel and giving me the drive to produce it - you're all wonderful wonderful human beings.

But if you turn I won't think twice
:)

Update 2! Zombies at a Broadway Show

ZSP Update 2

See a show - Kill some goons

You're watching the hit musical The Producers when suddenly out from the wings shuffles a meat-hungry marauder. 


An auditorium full of shocked onlookers first wonder if this is part of the act and then having watched this rotting corpse devour the two main characters then decide this may not be in the script and start to panic. You lucky readers will be ahead of the game. You may think to yourself 

"So - the dead are going to the theatre now; ah well - it all helps the box office."

However, if you don't want to be wormfood check out the scenarios below.



Higher function destroying blood Infection:

This thing is slow and lumbering; you've got a little time as it falls off the stage and works its way through the front row. In a theatre little is not nailed down - pretty much your only choice is of course: the fire extinguisher. You do however have the issue of when smashing its brains in that you will be covered in all kinds of highly infectious gore. To stop this you should either: a. Try and hold a programme over your face while smashing away (fairly impossible) or b. Take off your jacket (because of course you dressed up to go out didn't you?) wrap it around your face and start smashing away.

Important note for those without glasses.
You may be aware that people who wear non-prescription glasses are sometimes referred to as pretentious pricks - I'm afraid in this scenario they are referred to as 'Survivors'. This is the one justifiable situation to be wearing fake glasses with lenses.

Risen from the dead:
With this scenario no need for the blood protection - just get that extinguisher and start some squelchy brain cracky fun fun fun!


Rage infected or fast moving zombie:

It's tearing through people like a knife through kittens - you need to be somewhere else and quickly - everyone else is running for the fire exit - you are smart - use the stairs to the balcony - wait for everyone else to be eaten and the zombies to get bored and wander off. This may take some time so you'd best hope that them upstairs weren't hungry and polished off all of their snacks - if the zombie does decide upstairs is the trendy place to be you should be prepared to launch it off the balcony with a quick jerking upward motion trying to aim its head at the floor on landing. It might work, as previously explained however combating rage is 100% luck and 1% stupidity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for clicking the ads and mostly thanks for making suggestions!

See you next week!