Zombie in the grave yard.

I'll set the scene. You've just buried dear old auntie Doris, she was a lovely old dear, had a good innings but it was still a shock. You go and lay flowers at her freshly filled grave when suddenly a hand pops through the not yet compacted soil and begins to claw itself out.

 

"My goodness, there has been a terrible mistake and aunt Dot has been buried alive; quick I must find help to get her unearthed!"

STOP.

NO. I MEAN IT... STOP RIGHT NOW.

Embalming makes sure that lovely old Dottie is now most certainly no longer in the world of the living. What you have here is most certainly a severe case of the undead.

Rather than helping expedite aunt Dot on her mission to eat your brains you should take the following action.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

You need to be swift - you've not got time to make sure that there's not a shred of the auntie who once bounced you on her knee and cooed - this is a flesh hungry fiend. You need something heavy and large - on the brightside YOU'RE IN A BLINKING GRAVE YARD. There's nothing but gravestones around you. Pick up one that is nice and flat and placing it above Dot's cranium LET GO. The blood should splat out all over your shoes but not get into your eyes or anything else that might infect you. Make sure not to drop it on your toes though - that would be silly.

Risen from the dead:

You can go for the same method as virus zombie above or if you never really liked auntie Dot all that much you could have a little fun. There's normally a gardener at cemeteries. They keep their tools locked in a nearby shed (yes, you can see where I'm going with this one can't you.) For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings creator Peter Jackson's Braindead you will remember a lovely scene involving a large number of zombies, a lawnmower and a rather copious amount of blood. Break down the door, fire up the mower and start whacking some deadhead weeds!

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

She didn't so much claw out of the ground so much as burst from it, possibly ripping off her own legs to speed up the process - bright side; that may slow her down... slightly. But her hips were pretty bad already and she's got used to it so it may not be much of a help. What you need to do here is give yourself a little breathing space. Run. If possible up a slight incline - aunt Dot may struggle a little up hill with no legs. You could try the tombstone trick again but you need to be a little better at timing the drop than you would with the previous two scenarios or as a last resort you could try and grab her now rather ragged final outfit and snag her up onto a nearby spiked railing - ideally through the brain - beware though she's likely to be all nails and teeth.

Thanks for continuing to read my drivel and giving me the drive to produce it - you're all wonderful wonderful human beings.

But if you turn I won't think twice
:)