Zombies in the water

Some things to put to bed

Zombies can not swim.

Oh, you've seen it? There's pictures on the internet of a swimming zombie that looks like this

or this

or the same as the second one but riding the shark? Wrong... They're not swimming. They're walking on the sea / lake bed. Zombies do not have the motor skills to swim. He's flailing in water!

If you're in deep water you will be fine unless there's hundreds of zombies in there piled on top of each other like a motorcycle display team trying to reach you. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to tell if that was the case.

In the event that you do sink / capsize though here's some advice on how to take on a zombie underwater.

The physics of fighting underwater

The drag caused by water is 12 times more than wind resistance so you would have to punch at more than 12 times your usual strength to deliver the same impact. Plus, because water cannot be compressed as easily as air (because it has a higher molecular density), the impact zone would probably disperse most of the force of your punch anyway.

The best way to deliver any kind of force is to reduce the resistance. Flat handed movements and delivery using the fingers would be best, but unless you're a Kung Fu master or <- this guy you probably would break all of your fingers and then drown from shouting "Ow" very loudly whilst underwater.


Your most sensible move would be to keep hold of your paddle as you sink and try to use the blade to give the zombie a good blow to the back of the head as you won't have much air to keep whacking at them and you'll get tired quickly. If you have a good quality wooden paddle it shouldn't flex too much and absorb the energy you're putting in. You're hopefully wearing a life jacket so you shouldn't sink anyway.

Getting to safety

Swim to safety preferably through clear water so you can see what's beneath you. If this is not possible you should head for as shallow an area as possible as quickly as possible so you can see any potential threats as they come out of the water and you're in air so you can use your normal zombie ass kicking skills to their full potential.That and you've got a bloody great paddle in your hand!

The right kit

Out in the air a well swung paddle will do a good deal of damage to a zombie's skull. You want the paddle to be solid, thin edged for maximum damage and ideally made of ash for durability (this is what most modern baseball bats are also made from)

A good example would be the Sliver paddle from badgerpaddles.com

Sadly they do not provide paddles suitable for use by badgers though I understand this is quite a niche market.

 

Hopefully you've learned something today. And if that's just that zombies can't swim my work here is done!

Lots of love, but no lovebites, that's how apocalypses start

Al