Zombies in a hotel

 

You're on holiday, or away for a dirty weekend - either way you're having a whale of a time. Let's be honest - it's a dirty weekend.

You don't have a care in the world as your bewitching other half looks at you with those 'come to bed' eyes. Alas, behind her is a gurgling package of maurauding murderation. That's right - it's Joe Dead.

How he got into your hotel room is unclear, but maybe you left the door slightly ajar as you tossed your beloved onto the drinks cart that you acquired last night at your most intoxicated.

You're still a little groggy now after the 3 bottles of champagne so it's lucky you've read this before hand - it'll be there in the memory bank so you don't have to think too hard for a solution of your own.

Higher function destroying blood infected zombie

Are you wearing any clothes? No, I thought not. You're quite exposed to zombie attack and blood spatter. You need something to cover yourself. 

• The bed sheet?  
  Might work but a bit cumbersome.
• Getting dressed?
  You don't have time, there's a zombie IN THE ROOM.
• A lamp shade?
  Are you serious?
• A towel? Better, but no suggestive towel dropping where zombies are concerned.
• The food tray?
  Of course! It's a shield and a weapon, all in one!

Take the tray and hold it out in front of you and launch your naked self at the zombie knocking it to the ground. Cover its face with the tray and repeatedly jump on it. Might not kill it though. If it gets up it's now probably that mashed up it'll be unable to see. Get behind it and go for the travel iron you got out last night. A whack to the back of the head and voila!

Risen from the dead

You went to a hotel with a graveyard next door. Really? Poor planning. You're clearly very cheap. It's unlikely to be champagne in the room, maybe special brew at a push. You don't iron your clothes either so the travel iron's out of the equation. You need something heavy that will destroy the brain. 

Your suitcase is a bit too cumbersome so that's out. There's probably a lamp in the room though; pick it up - if it's screwed down a good yank should see it come clear. Hit the zombie square in the head with the heavy end. If the heavy end also happens to be the end with the current going through it make sure you ripped the wire out of the wall too or at the very least that you stay clear of any flailing limbs, you don't want to be found naked, covered in blood and layed in a pool of zombie brains do you?

Rage infected / fast moving

If it is a zombie Justin Bieber... all the better.

Maybe the door was closed and it smashed it in; possible with these raging beasties. Your best bet might be to head for the balcony if you're not on the ground floor and use the old clean and jerk zombie toss. Then again you have a wealth of weapons at your disposal. 

Don't bother reaching for the bible in the bedside drawer, the power of Christ tends not to compel all that many zombies - they just eat you and you get blood all over a perfectly serviceable bible. You do have at your disposal the champagne bottles from last nights debauchery. They're heavy and quite hard to break so a good thwack to the noggin ought to do the business. 

Remember - aim for the back of the head where the neck meets the skull (the cerebellum) - that's the sweet spot. You will need the zombie facing away from you so it's worth you staying quiet and letting your beloved do all the screaming - it may make you look like a wuss but when you need bait you need bait. Plus when you save your loved-one's life they'll pretty much have to worship you.

Thanks for reading, über thanks for clicking the ads, you may one day put my children through university, but mostly thanks for making writing this a fun and interesting experience. My involvement in the zombie survivalist community has increased massively since writing this blog and you, my intrepid readers, are what make it all worthwhile.

If you start to shuffle though you'll be dropped before you can say "Brains".

Alex

Zombie in the chip shop

You have gone to get yourself a takeaway. Good old fashioned battered fish and chips - or a sausage if you like. And of course you've got to have curry sauce.

I digress.

You have no sooner dispensed the salt and vinegar than a shuffling harbinger of flesh eating terror wanders through the door. What can you possibly do in this situation? I'm glad you asked; I'll tell you.

The scenario for all 3 zombie types is the same in this case; the only difference is the speed at which you must perform the following...

1. Throw salt in the zombies eyes to disrupt its senses slightly

HINT: Remove salt from container first.

It turns out there are no pictures of the flappy thing on the net so instead here is a squirrel.

2. Lift the little flappy door thing rather than trying to launch the zombie over the counter; less chance of you getting injured - nothing worse than having to fight off a zombie horde with a bad back.

3. Place the zombie face down into the boiling oil - be careful not to get scalded though - chance of passing on infection. You need to wait until the heat seeps through to the brain - this takes roughly as long as a fresh fish takes to cook - about 5 minutes.

4. Wait for the writhing to stop.

5. Enjoy your meal; things are about to get ugly.

Thanks for reading; that's 4 updates in the last 3 weeks - managing to do as promised! If you have any suggestions for scenarios you'd like to see resolved please comment or e-mail me - your input is greatly appreciated. Thanks to those of you still clicking on the ads, it really means a lot.

Until next week,

Al

Zombie in the grave yard.

I'll set the scene. You've just buried dear old auntie Doris, she was a lovely old dear, had a good innings but it was still a shock. You go and lay flowers at her freshly filled grave when suddenly a hand pops through the not yet compacted soil and begins to claw itself out.

 

"My goodness, there has been a terrible mistake and aunt Dot has been buried alive; quick I must find help to get her unearthed!"

STOP.

NO. I MEAN IT... STOP RIGHT NOW.

Embalming makes sure that lovely old Dottie is now most certainly no longer in the world of the living. What you have here is most certainly a severe case of the undead.

Rather than helping expedite aunt Dot on her mission to eat your brains you should take the following action.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

You need to be swift - you've not got time to make sure that there's not a shred of the auntie who once bounced you on her knee and cooed - this is a flesh hungry fiend. You need something heavy and large - on the brightside YOU'RE IN A BLINKING GRAVE YARD. There's nothing but gravestones around you. Pick up one that is nice and flat and placing it above Dot's cranium LET GO. The blood should splat out all over your shoes but not get into your eyes or anything else that might infect you. Make sure not to drop it on your toes though - that would be silly.

Risen from the dead:

You can go for the same method as virus zombie above or if you never really liked auntie Dot all that much you could have a little fun. There's normally a gardener at cemeteries. They keep their tools locked in a nearby shed (yes, you can see where I'm going with this one can't you.) For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings creator Peter Jackson's Braindead you will remember a lovely scene involving a large number of zombies, a lawnmower and a rather copious amount of blood. Break down the door, fire up the mower and start whacking some deadhead weeds!

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

She didn't so much claw out of the ground so much as burst from it, possibly ripping off her own legs to speed up the process - bright side; that may slow her down... slightly. But her hips were pretty bad already and she's got used to it so it may not be much of a help. What you need to do here is give yourself a little breathing space. Run. If possible up a slight incline - aunt Dot may struggle a little up hill with no legs. You could try the tombstone trick again but you need to be a little better at timing the drop than you would with the previous two scenarios or as a last resort you could try and grab her now rather ragged final outfit and snag her up onto a nearby spiked railing - ideally through the brain - beware though she's likely to be all nails and teeth.

Thanks for continuing to read my drivel and giving me the drive to produce it - you're all wonderful wonderful human beings.

But if you turn I won't think twice
:)

Update 2! Zombies at a Broadway Show

ZSP Update 2

See a show - Kill some goons

You're watching the hit musical The Producers when suddenly out from the wings shuffles a meat-hungry marauder. 


An auditorium full of shocked onlookers first wonder if this is part of the act and then having watched this rotting corpse devour the two main characters then decide this may not be in the script and start to panic. You lucky readers will be ahead of the game. You may think to yourself 

"So - the dead are going to the theatre now; ah well - it all helps the box office."

However, if you don't want to be wormfood check out the scenarios below.



Higher function destroying blood Infection:

This thing is slow and lumbering; you've got a little time as it falls off the stage and works its way through the front row. In a theatre little is not nailed down - pretty much your only choice is of course: the fire extinguisher. You do however have the issue of when smashing its brains in that you will be covered in all kinds of highly infectious gore. To stop this you should either: a. Try and hold a programme over your face while smashing away (fairly impossible) or b. Take off your jacket (because of course you dressed up to go out didn't you?) wrap it around your face and start smashing away.

Important note for those without glasses.
You may be aware that people who wear non-prescription glasses are sometimes referred to as pretentious pricks - I'm afraid in this scenario they are referred to as 'Survivors'. This is the one justifiable situation to be wearing fake glasses with lenses.

Risen from the dead:
With this scenario no need for the blood protection - just get that extinguisher and start some squelchy brain cracky fun fun fun!


Rage infected or fast moving zombie:

It's tearing through people like a knife through kittens - you need to be somewhere else and quickly - everyone else is running for the fire exit - you are smart - use the stairs to the balcony - wait for everyone else to be eaten and the zombies to get bored and wander off. This may take some time so you'd best hope that them upstairs weren't hungry and polished off all of their snacks - if the zombie does decide upstairs is the trendy place to be you should be prepared to launch it off the balcony with a quick jerking upward motion trying to aim its head at the floor on landing. It might work, as previously explained however combating rage is 100% luck and 1% stupidity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for clicking the ads and mostly thanks for making suggestions!

See you next week!

From now on: One a week, one a week, two this week! Zombie in the Garden

Sorry Shaun... No... I'm sorry, Shaun.



Having been potentially one of the world's slackest bloggers; this week I'm back with a flesh ripping vengeance. To make up for the lack of updates in... ages slightly less devastating for you I'm giving you a bonus update for free and gratis!



On a personal note I have had some good news recently which will appear in this blog in the fullness of time.

Zombies

Well, that's why we're here after all isn't it?

Two new zombie scenarios for you.

 1: Zombie in the garden.

A Shaun of the Dead inspired scenario for you - a zombie is wandering around in the back garden, it looks very... drunk.

What can you do to protect yourself from this hellbeast and dispatch it swiftly? Not vinyl records or mug trees; they're fairly ineffective.



You have 2 options:
Option A: TO THE SHED!
Can you leg it past the gurgling menace and get into the shed and find a weapon fairly sharpish? Depends on how big your garden is and if you have a means of temporarily restraining the zombie (methods could include running quickly around it with the washing line Scooby-Doo style, holding up a bed sheet and walking slowly pretending to be laundry or just groaning and limping (CAUTION: This might not work if the zombies have a keen sense of smell; this is very difficult to determine unless you have any 'volunteers'))




Option B: To the arsenal.
Of course, being a keen zombie-survivalist you have already prepared the arsenal listed on my Amazon store for just this kind of eventuality. With this little lot you can either hole yourself up and wait for the whole thing to blow over of go charging into the garden all tooled up and polish off the threat forthwith using one of the following methods:


Higher function destroying blood Infection:
Put on your mask, goggles and potentially the hazmat suit if you have time before the zombie gets in. My method for this one would be sneak up if possible and use the nail gun at the top of the spine base of the neck; should kill or at least stop use of the body. Plus the nail gun has a fairly quiet fire so there's little chance you'll alert any nearby fiends. Just to be doubly sure make sure to double tap (also; for extra tips you should watch Zombieland if you haven't already).

 
Risen from the dead:

As previously discussed - you don't have to worry so much about blood infection; it's just dying (or sometimes being bitten) that causes a problem. With this method you just need to destroy the base of the brain or the brain stem. Baseball bat or spade will do the job if you're strong; if not go with the axe and separate the neck and the head.


Rage Infected / Fast moving zombies:

If it's still in the garden you're probably not looking at a rage infected spook. They tend to come flying through windows all teeth and tearing. If one is wandering around in the garden it probably has lost all of its senses by having its eyes, ears, nose or all of the above destroyed. You probably still don't want to get too close so it may be advisable to pull back the safety on the nail gun and go hurtling a nail across the garden into its brain - careful though: I hear the hospitals are a little busy right now and you probably don't want to have to go there; the meal might be on you.


Thanks for reading; thanks to those of you that keep clicking the ads - the more material I get the better so please keep the ideas coming in... Update 2 with the second zombie scenario coming in the next 30 minutes!