Zombies in a hotel

 

You're on holiday, or away for a dirty weekend - either way you're having a whale of a time. Let's be honest - it's a dirty weekend.

You don't have a care in the world as your bewitching other half looks at you with those 'come to bed' eyes. Alas, behind her is a gurgling package of maurauding murderation. That's right - it's Joe Dead.

How he got into your hotel room is unclear, but maybe you left the door slightly ajar as you tossed your beloved onto the drinks cart that you acquired last night at your most intoxicated.

You're still a little groggy now after the 3 bottles of champagne so it's lucky you've read this before hand - it'll be there in the memory bank so you don't have to think too hard for a solution of your own.

Higher function destroying blood infected zombie

Are you wearing any clothes? No, I thought not. You're quite exposed to zombie attack and blood spatter. You need something to cover yourself. 

• The bed sheet?  
  Might work but a bit cumbersome.
• Getting dressed?
  You don't have time, there's a zombie IN THE ROOM.
• A lamp shade?
  Are you serious?
• A towel? Better, but no suggestive towel dropping where zombies are concerned.
• The food tray?
  Of course! It's a shield and a weapon, all in one!

Take the tray and hold it out in front of you and launch your naked self at the zombie knocking it to the ground. Cover its face with the tray and repeatedly jump on it. Might not kill it though. If it gets up it's now probably that mashed up it'll be unable to see. Get behind it and go for the travel iron you got out last night. A whack to the back of the head and voila!

Risen from the dead

You went to a hotel with a graveyard next door. Really? Poor planning. You're clearly very cheap. It's unlikely to be champagne in the room, maybe special brew at a push. You don't iron your clothes either so the travel iron's out of the equation. You need something heavy that will destroy the brain. 

Your suitcase is a bit too cumbersome so that's out. There's probably a lamp in the room though; pick it up - if it's screwed down a good yank should see it come clear. Hit the zombie square in the head with the heavy end. If the heavy end also happens to be the end with the current going through it make sure you ripped the wire out of the wall too or at the very least that you stay clear of any flailing limbs, you don't want to be found naked, covered in blood and layed in a pool of zombie brains do you?

Rage infected / fast moving

If it is a zombie Justin Bieber... all the better.

Maybe the door was closed and it smashed it in; possible with these raging beasties. Your best bet might be to head for the balcony if you're not on the ground floor and use the old clean and jerk zombie toss. Then again you have a wealth of weapons at your disposal. 

Don't bother reaching for the bible in the bedside drawer, the power of Christ tends not to compel all that many zombies - they just eat you and you get blood all over a perfectly serviceable bible. You do have at your disposal the champagne bottles from last nights debauchery. They're heavy and quite hard to break so a good thwack to the noggin ought to do the business. 

Remember - aim for the back of the head where the neck meets the skull (the cerebellum) - that's the sweet spot. You will need the zombie facing away from you so it's worth you staying quiet and letting your beloved do all the screaming - it may make you look like a wuss but when you need bait you need bait. Plus when you save your loved-one's life they'll pretty much have to worship you.

Thanks for reading, über thanks for clicking the ads, you may one day put my children through university, but mostly thanks for making writing this a fun and interesting experience. My involvement in the zombie survivalist community has increased massively since writing this blog and you, my intrepid readers, are what make it all worthwhile.

If you start to shuffle though you'll be dropped before you can say "Brains".

Alex