Zombie in the Children's playground

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.


Things you may find to be of use:

• Broken umbrellas.
• Syringes.
• Broken glass.
• Dog poo.
• Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

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Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Al