Zombie at the Pool

Following on from the water themed Zombie in the Water (http://bit.ly/zombiescantswim) I wanted to look a little more specifically at Zombie in the Pool which causes a couple of different issues to the blog listed above.

Pools are generally much shallower than rivers or the sea and thus zombies can wade in them. Zombies are generally slow moving and clumsy BUT the zombie's stance (arms raised) may actually help them to balance in the same way that orang-utans  are skilled at wading. You may find you are more hindered than they are.

But in a swimming pool there are rules. No petting, no running and no eating brains.

Here's how to make sure that your bloodthirsty assailant doesn't break rule number 3.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

Sweet zombie killing kit!

I hope you're wearing goggles.Getting blood in your eyes or in the pool is a guaranteed way of making people dead. You need to make sure the pool is evacuated before getting zombie blood in there, if the pool's pH was correct and the chlorine applied correctly it should kill any blood born virus on contact. But let's be honest. Can you trust pool staff in the event of a zombie apocalypse? No, I didn't think so either. Plus, the pH balance will be off if there's been an excess of peeing in the pool.

Methods of destroying a brain in the pool are limited as everything is designed to stop children falling and fracturing their skulls... with one exception.

The Diving Board

Image courtesy of Fever Ray

This is your best bet for brain destruction of a shuffling menace. Lure them to the high-dive board and execute the world's most amazing over the shoulder throw straight onto the floor of the pool below.

Risen from the dead:

With this zombie the same method will work and you don't need to worry about infection! Quids in!

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

It dived straight in the pool and started devouring victims. You have managed to drag yourself far enough away to watch the carnage unfold.You need to act fast. A net or pool scoop may buy others in the vacinity some time to escape - putting the net over the zombies head and dragging it about a bit may help but as they're so strong you're quite likely to end up in the pool yourself.

Pool cover.

If possible what you need is a pool cover to trap the zombie under. If the pool has one of these get them to run it across to make the water the undead's prison. When it is in place you can walk along to the point where the zombie is with something big and heavy such as a fire extinguisher and donk the raised point in the pool cover with considerable force until it is no longer standing (correct fire extinguisher wielding protocol coming soon to the YouTube channel)

No pool cover?

Ah, what you need is a number of floats tied together on a rope (most pools have these to cordon off a slow swimmer and fast swimmer lane) so you can float them around the zombie in a circle and then pull the rope between the pool steps until the head is separated from the body or until the zombie is immobilised by being tied between the two solid points by its neck.





And finally...
Thanks for reading as ever, please click an ad or two to show some appreciation if you think I deserve it. Earned 46p last month so you are clearly earning your keep!

Don't go changing, or I might have to hit you with a shovel
Al

Zombie Slaying Transportation

A question from @77fayzer - 

"I present you a challenge. Find the best type of transport for a zombie invasion and also find the best car for a zomb take over."

Mission accepted.

I've tried to break this down by country and used my top 3 viewer's countries - US & Canada, United Kingdom, New Zealand - if you're not included I apologise. Send me a specific country request and I'll add another post when I get time. There's also a summary too - it explains my stance on 'The Perfect Transport' in no uncertain terms.

In the United States and Canada

  

Knight XV

Pros:

This is a very customisable vehicle and has a number of amazing factory standards including bullet proof glass throughout, night vision cameras, run flat tyres and an optional additional fuel tank and turbo charger. 

Cons:

7 mpg.

Website:

http://conquestvehicles.com/knight-xv.html

Tornado intercept vehicle (TIV) 

Pros:

Fully customisable but requires technical expertise.

You are responsible for your own build quality and thus likelihood of survival.

Cons:

You have to build it yourself. This is not an off the line product.

Due to weight MPG is likely to be terrible.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tornado_Intercept_Vehicle

DeLorean Monster Truck

This is the D-Rex. It is a design created by Rich W. who has created a whole range of DeLorean based vehicles. The gull wing doors and high ride height as well as hard wearing monster truck tires would really help killing zombies.

Pros:

Ride height

Gull wing doors for quick entry / exit and an ability to kill from above.

You can pretend to be Marty McFly's long lost brother.

Cons:

Unlikely to do more than 8mpg is my best guess. I've e-mailed Rich for clarification!

Some people may think you're insane and try to shoot at you.

Not bulletproof.

Pretty sure only 1 of these exists so you'd have to build your own or call in Rich.

Website:

http://www.entermyworld.com/rich/index1.html (it's in the 4x4 section)

Ford F-650

This looks like the stuff. US police meets zombie killer. Well armoured, powerful and plenty of fuel down each side!

Pros:

Looks awesome.

Well armoured.

Plenty of fuel on board.

Cons:

Quickly tears through fuel due to additional weight.

Not much in the way of zombie killing options as standard.

Not to factory standard. Has to be custom modded.

http://jalopnik.com/5153075/new-scope-ford-f+650-xuv

In the UK

Land Rover Defender 110

A classic off road choice with some pretty hardcore beefing up. Armor plating throughout. Plenty of storage on top and inside.

Pros:

Armor plated if you buy ex-army.

Fairly good mpg.

Can drive pretty much anywhere.

Cons:

Very few.

Website:

Some particularly nice examples at

http://www.ukemergency.co.uk/police/

In New Zealand

Subaru Impreza WRX

Goes fast and is 4 wheel drive. Room for weapons and people.

Pros:

Good off road.

Better MPG than a ute.

Cons:

Not much storage space for all of your survival supplies.

Subaru Forester XT

Plenty of space and works off road.

Pros:

Good off road.

Plenty of storage.

Cons:

Not bulletproof as standard.

Not very fuel efficient.

Website:

http://www.subaru.co.nz

Things you want in your cars 

A last bit of advice. Have a variety of vehicles in your convoy. There is not a best car for the zombie apocalypse; you need a whole fleet. You will probably not get exactly what you want lying around in the street. You'll need to learn how to use welding gear and get hold of some metal!

Some things you may look for in your transport:

Recon missions

Fast and controllable.

Logistics

Big and as fuel efficient as possible. 

Sweep and clean missions

Armor plated, big engined.

If you think I've missed something, or you think I'm wrong please contact me on Twitter, Facebook or leave a comment on the blog.

Thanks for reading and clicking the ads,

Al

Über awesome 500 twitter follower special - Zombie in the waiting room

Aww, you poor love, you've got a sniffle. And you've had to go to the doctors to get some antibiotics because you're tired of laying in bed and feeling pathetic and you've used enough tissues to gift wrap Belgium?

What could be worse?

Zombie in the Waiting Room

You're sat amidst a pile of magazines and pamphlets telling you about the variety of illnesses you could have. Each one you read you get a little more poorly. You have convinved yourself you have all the symptoms of radiation sickness ever since you had that petrol station sandwich.

You look up from your pamphlet to see a man stumbling around in the waiting room. Why isn't the nurse helping him? Poor old fella looks like he's really in pain and he's moaning out very aggressively.

Oh no, it's alright, he's undead.

So how can you take on this shuffling assailant in a room equipped to make sure no-one can hurt a member of staff?

Here's how.

1. Magazines and pamphlets are a hazard to you - do not, as you may be tempted to, throw them at the zombie. It will just make you tired and lead to the possibility you'll slip on one, fall on the floor and be eaten alive.

2. Vases are a good weapon - if you are lucky enough to be in a waiting room with a vase you should smash the end off it and use it as a weapon. Make sure not to hit it too hard or it will shatter into tiny pieces and cut you to ribbons.

3. Magazine racks or tables are a good defensive weapon. Pick one up but DO NOT throw it. Use it as a riot shield to subdue the zombie attack - hopefully someone behind will have the common sense to hit it over the head with something heavy!

4. Fire extinguishers are a fantastic zombie weapon but you have to be strong to use them - they weigh much more than you think! Do not half-arsedly flail a fire extinguisher at a zombie's head - they will dive on you when you miss them and eat your brain.

In the Doctor's Bag

If you can get to a doctor's room do so. They have a variety of weapons including the stunningly named ocular cannula - that's a tube you can insert into someone's eye. This will disorient your zombie somewhat but watch your fingers!

Do not inject your zombie with anything, it will have no effect. No bloodflow means no distribution of drugs! The only place you could inject is directly into the cerebellum which is the operating part of the zombie brain - you would be best to go in through the ear for least skull resistance. Consider muscle relaxants (spasmolytics) such as carisoprodol, cyclobenzaprine, metaxalone, and methocarbamol.

These may restrict the brain signals being sent to the limbs and paralysing your assailant. Be aware however that this may have little noticeable effect - better to stab the brain and hope for the best.

There is the old favourite the scalpel but beware - if this is a blood transmitted virus you will get infected if you cut yourself or spray blood on you, you should always use a medical mask and goggles.

There's also pure oxygen cylinders. Do try and blow yourself up only as a last resort.

Thanks to my 500 followers on Twitter, you are amazing people. I didn't realise how much of a community would come here and read my ramblings.

I'd take you all out in a heartbeat if you turn of course, but for now you're not on the 'meat list'

Thanks for reading,

Al

Zombies in the water

Some things to put to bed

Zombies can not swim.

Oh, you've seen it? There's pictures on the internet of a swimming zombie that looks like this

or this

or the same as the second one but riding the shark? Wrong... They're not swimming. They're walking on the sea / lake bed. Zombies do not have the motor skills to swim. He's flailing in water!

If you're in deep water you will be fine unless there's hundreds of zombies in there piled on top of each other like a motorcycle display team trying to reach you. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to tell if that was the case.

In the event that you do sink / capsize though here's some advice on how to take on a zombie underwater.

The physics of fighting underwater

The drag caused by water is 12 times more than wind resistance so you would have to punch at more than 12 times your usual strength to deliver the same impact. Plus, because water cannot be compressed as easily as air (because it has a higher molecular density), the impact zone would probably disperse most of the force of your punch anyway.

The best way to deliver any kind of force is to reduce the resistance. Flat handed movements and delivery using the fingers would be best, but unless you're a Kung Fu master or <- this guy you probably would break all of your fingers and then drown from shouting "Ow" very loudly whilst underwater.


Your most sensible move would be to keep hold of your paddle as you sink and try to use the blade to give the zombie a good blow to the back of the head as you won't have much air to keep whacking at them and you'll get tired quickly. If you have a good quality wooden paddle it shouldn't flex too much and absorb the energy you're putting in. You're hopefully wearing a life jacket so you shouldn't sink anyway.

Getting to safety

Swim to safety preferably through clear water so you can see what's beneath you. If this is not possible you should head for as shallow an area as possible as quickly as possible so you can see any potential threats as they come out of the water and you're in air so you can use your normal zombie ass kicking skills to their full potential.That and you've got a bloody great paddle in your hand!

The right kit

Out in the air a well swung paddle will do a good deal of damage to a zombie's skull. You want the paddle to be solid, thin edged for maximum damage and ideally made of ash for durability (this is what most modern baseball bats are also made from)

A good example would be the Sliver paddle from badgerpaddles.com

Sadly they do not provide paddles suitable for use by badgers though I understand this is quite a niche market.

 

Hopefully you've learned something today. And if that's just that zombies can't swim my work here is done!

Lots of love, but no lovebites, that's how apocalypses start

Al

Bieber Fever Zombie Robot Virus

Here's a suggestion from @Lloydapher and evolved by @StaceyPineapple and @RobynToRaven and seconded and passed by @NicholasTWP.

How Justin Bieber may destroy the world.

This is the story of how Justin Bieber accidentally created a horde of zombie cyborgs who could take over the world.

Born in Canada, Bieber was discovered on YouTube. It is because of this that Master Bieber became so very upset when he discovered his song 'Baby' was the most disliked video on YouTube.

Recently Rebecca Black overtook him this year with over 3 million dislikes.

This was no accident.

How the Outbreak Began

Since becoming the most hated video on YouTube Bieber has invested his fortune in developing a robot that is capable of reproducing human speech and actions. This megalomaniacal self obsession also explains the titling of his album 'My World' and the number of songs he has written about world domination. (That Should Be ME, Never going to let you go)

So as you may have deduced, Rebecca Black is a cyborg.

It explains a lot doesn't it. The disconnection from reality. The auto-tuned voice. It all makes sense.

But what would we do if Bieber lost control of his robotic minion and she began 'converting' others to make her own cyborg army of the undead? I think she'd start with Bieber himself for making her that way.

This is an artists impression of what Bieber would look like after 'conversion'

Normal Zombie rules do not apply

Where cyborgs are concerned removing the head may have little to no impact. Depending on how much tissue to robot integration has occurred the body may work completely independently of the head.







Then what is controlling it?
The concept of a cyborg is living tissue controlled by a processor. The processor is the brain of the cyborg and that helps us a lot - and here's why.

Processors require fairly low temperatures to operate and thus it will be placed somewhere near the outside of the body. It is also likely to have a heatsync or liquid cooling to keep it cool in the same way as modern computers cool their processors.

This is good for us as it means bashing the squish outer coating of a 'converted' will mean we can identify the location of the processor or sever the liquid cooling and cause the processor to overheat.

How do I remove the soft tissue?
The best way of doing this would probably be a sharp weapon such as a samurai sword or a distance weapon such as a grenade. You don't want to get too close though - the cyborg's won't be very worried about destroying their own soft tissue to preserve the CPU so you'll have to be fast and alert.

What else could the government do?
If the outbreak is not caught early the government would be best using an EMP - the only way of doing this currently is via the use of weapons so that may cause a separate mutant zombie epidemic so the best solution is to destroy the threat early on.

Please note - if you go and kill Rebecca Black with a samurai sword this author holds no responsibility - it may just be that she has no talent after all and isn't in fact a robot.

Then again she probably is.
Al

Super Special Update: Zombie on Platform 2

You're at the station. Litter twirls gently in the breeze. There's a man slumped down in the corner, he looks like a drunk. There is a pungent odor emanating from him. He smells a bit like rancid meat.

Definitely drunk - he's making that unmistakable groaning. That's it he must be drunk; not undead. That just doesn't happen does it? I mean really, who'd even consider....

Oh, he's getting up. And he's got his lower jaw slung with bloody saliva and a look of determined hunger in his eyes. You on the other hand are calm and collected. You're ready and I'm going to tell you for why.

Not the correct method - just an awesome image!

Zombies are only scary if you're unprepared. But you, my dear reader, have been waiting for this. Since the first time you read the blog you've been waiting to put the zombie toss into action. This, right here, is your time to shine!

You've played Dead Rising and it's as easy as moving a stick. In the real world it's a teeny bit more complicated.

Here's a blow by blow account of how to launch that dead head onto the tracks while not turning yourself into wormfood.

Step 1:

Make sure you can see the zombie at all times. An invisible threat is the worst threat of all.

Step 2:

Make space between you and the edge of the platform - you don't want to plummet to your death.

Step 3:

Wait for the zombie to lunge at you before making your move. You will use his own weight and strength against him, how else are you going to throw someone who weighs more than you?

Step 4:

As he lunges roll with it. You need to make sure none of that energy is wasted if you want to throw him clear of you. If you waste it he's going to end up on top of you eating your brains.

Step 5:

Grip at the wrist and collar pushing back the free arm with your elbow. This will control the zombie and stop them grabbing and biting you.

Step 6:

Swing your elbow to under the other armpit as you turn away from the zombie and squat slightly. This squatting motion should bring the zombie around your body and take them off their feet.

Step 7:

Pull the wrist across your body and this will drop the zombie to the floor. You should be aiming to lob them onto the tracks below.

Step 8:

If you missed the tracks get the boot in and go for a roll, just be careful of being grabbed!


Finally:
Thank you so much to all 200 of my Twitter followers, you are truly great and your interest in this blog will stand you in good stead when the time comes to counteract the zombie menace.

Thanks for telling your friends and clicking the ads so I can buy books (Zombies for Zombies by David P. Murphy) and DVDs (Dead Snow £2.99) to serve you better.

Remember though, if you're bit, you mean nothing to me.

Keep watching the graveyards,
Al

Zombie in the Children's playground

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.


Things you may find to be of use:

• Broken umbrellas.
• Syringes.
• Broken glass.
• Dog poo.
• Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

Thanks for clicking the ads. Made 41 pence this month so far! Each one of you that clicks is a beautiful person, maybe not on the outside but definitely on the inside. 

Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Al